I have to be up to go to the dentist at 9 tomorrow morning and it’s 2am now and I don’t feel like sleeping so I’m probably going to end up waking up late and getting there late. Also, I feel really fucking sick and I wish it would go away. Seriously, I feel like throwing up right now and I don’t even know where it came from.

I have to go see my teacher sometime before the end of the week and I’m really nervous about it, even though I don’t really think I should be. I haven’t made barely any progress in my schoolwork in the past few weeks even though I’ve actually been trying really hard. I mean, we’re moving on Saturday no matter what he has to say so I guess it doesn’t matter. And I’m not enrolled in school in Idaho yet and that makes me nervous. There’s probably about a 50/50 chance that I’m going to have to end up going to the public school there and that fucking terrifies me. I’m definitely not ready for that. Hopefully we’ll be able to find an online school, because I really don’t know what I’m going to do if we can’t.

We’re moving Saturday. SATURDAY. As in, like five-ish days from now. Holy shit. I’ve still got so much packing to do. But packing my room should actually go relatively quickly because I’m actually a really good/fast packer.

The plans for the actual day that we’re moving keep changing and that makes me really nervous too. Apparently my boyfriend’s dad has some concert that he’s going to on Saturday night and he wants us to be done moving by 5pm, which I don’t know whether or not is possible. I mean technically as long as we start early-ish in the day and don’t like screw around or take any breaks or anything, we SHOULD be done by then… but you never know what might happen to complicate things and make it take longer. And then tonight my boyfriend told me that his dad was thinking that maybe they could come Friday after my boyfriend and his brother got out of school and move us that night. Which would mean that we probably wouldn’t be done until one or two in the morning. Which, to me, sounds like complete bullshit. It just sounds like a stupid idea. Why do we all want to be moving shit in the middle of the night? It doesn’t even make any sense. Not to mention the fact that my mom has terrible eyesight and can’t really drive too well in the dark. So I don’t know exactly what’s going to happen there, and that really scares me. I wish I just knew exactly how everything was going to work. Ugh.

I don’t even know if a word of this makes any sense but I really just needed to talk.

My “best friend” has become a completely different person than she was when we were really close and that makes me really fucking sad. I don’t even know her anymore really.

My mom has been so fucking impossible to be around lately. She’s been going on and on and on about how “you don’t know how stressful this move is for me!!!” and shit like that, and every time I try to defend myself and tell her that I know exactly how stressful it is because it’s been really fucking stressful for me too, she just ignores me and continues yelling at me. And the worst part is that today was her last day of work here so she’s going to be off all next week and I’m going to have to be around her constantly. That’s just lovely. Fuck. Fuck fuck fuck.

So I took my lip ring out yesterday and at first I was okay with it, but now I think I regret it, but that’s okay. It makes it easier to wear lipstick and that part makes me happy. I’m sure I’ll probably want it back at some point, but that’s okay too. I’m not going to get it redone no matter how much I may want it back eventually. I had it for two years… that’s enough. That whole phase is over for me, I think.

Anyway, I’m moving really soon and I’ve barely got anything packed (other than my books) yet because honestly I don’t really know where to start. The other day I was taking a lot of my posters down off of my walls and seeing my room so bare makes me really sad. I don’t even know why. I guess because of how long I’ve lived here… it’s been almost five years already. Wow. I’m probably going to cry like a bitch on the day we actually move and my boyfriend and his dad (and probably my mom) are going to think I’m a complete whack job but that’s okay. It’s not that I don’t want to move… I really, really do. I’m just sad about leaving this house. I mean really, I went through most of my teenage years here. It’s just going to feel so weird leaving.

Also, I’m so behind in schoolwork right now and my mom said that she wanted me to be at a certain place before we leave, and I really don’t think that’s going to happen. I’ve actually really been trying, I just haven’t been getting anywhere.

And on top of everything else, I’ve been in a really bad mood pretty much constantly lately. I don’t even know why. I’ve just been really sad all the time. I wish we were just moved already.

Oh and also, every single time I make plans about anything, they get fucked up somehow and it’s really, really frustrating.

I’m moving on March 3rd. That’s in like exactly twelve days. Wow. Everything is so fucking stressful right now. My mom is so stressed out, and she’s taking pretty much every bit of it out on me, which is just making me so much more stressed out than I normally would be. The moving itself isn’t actually making me stressed at all, which is nice. I’ve even already started packing… most of my books are packed up and I’ve got a good portion of all the posters down from my walls. I’ve mainly only got my big poster wall left to take down and I’ve been putting it off because it’s going to be a huge pain in the ass because it’s all mainly thin magazine cutouts and they’re all connected. Honestly I really just wish we were moved already. I just want to be with my boyfriend. I want to watch movies and cuddle with him and kiss him and just be with him. I haven’t seen him for like two weeks and that was only for like two hours, which definitely wasn’t enough. Him and his dad are helping us move, which will be really nice. And then his dad is driving the U-Haul to Idaho, and my mom’s driving her car and he’s going to be driving his dad’s car I think and hopefully I’ll be able to ride with him because I’m definitely not going to want to ride with my mom because she’s really annoying on long car trips (it’s about a two and a half hour drive…). Also, I think his brother is coming too, so with five of us helping, the actual moving part should go by pretty quickly and smoothly so that’ll be good. Ugh, I know I’m just kind of rambling on and on, but I really just needed to talk for a while so.

I know I haven’t used this blog forever and no one cares anymore, but I really just need to rant and this is the only place that I can do it. So basically I’m just so frustrated with everything right now and I’m so fucking close to just bursting into tears and giving up on everything and everyone. Even as I type this, I’m tearing up and I can barely see what I’m typing. I’m just so sick of getting treated like I don’t fucking exist unless someone wants something. I’m completely convinced that the only one of my “friends” that even cares about me anymore is my boyfriend, and even he’s kind of weird about it sometimes. I haven’t really talked to my “best friend” since the 28th of December, when she was supposed to be staying at my house, but left because my mom and I had gotten into a fight the night before. A fight which, by the way, caused me to go lay in my room and listen to Fiction by Avenged Sevenfold over and over and bawl my fucking eyes out for at least a half hour while my best fucking friend sat in the living room and just listened to me. Then, tonight she posted a journal on Deviantart that asked if it was wrong to have a “second best friend”, and in the post, she kind of implied that I was jealous of said second best friend. First of all, I don’t even fucking know who this second best friend is, and second of all, why the fuck would I be jealous? I’m not a jealous person. Honestly, I really don’t even get jealous. Even sometimes when maybe I should. Plus, it’s really not something to be jealous about. So you’ve got a “second best friend”. Good for you. I’m happy for you. I have absolutely no reason to be jealous. But that’s not even really what upset me. What upset me was that someone (I’m assuming it was the “second best friend”) commented the post with “Is she jealous?”. I don’t even know why it upset me as badly as it did, but it did. Maybe I’m over reacting. Maybe I’m just stupid and overly emotional. All I know is that I’m sick and fucking tired of people acting like I don’t exist. Hey, you want to know if I’m jealous, send me a message and ask me if I am. Don’t comment on some journal post for the whole fucking world to see. Better yet, don’t make some stupid fucking journal post talking about how it’s alright to have two best friends and make it seem like I am jealous. Because I’m not. And even if I was, it’s not like you would know. You’ve barely even acknowledged my existence for the last fucking month. And the worst part is that that’s doesn’t even put a dent in all the things that my “best friend” has done lately that have just really gotten on my nerves/made me upset. I’m just so frustrated. So, so, so fucking frustrated.

Seriously, just fuck everything. She wants me to go trick or treating. Like, really badly. But she wants me to go with her and her boyfriend and leave my boyfriend at home alone. I’m not doing that. She should know that I’m not doing that. He and I originally planned on staying at home and watching movies. That’s what I wanted to do. Fuck. I really don’t know what to do. No matter what I say, someone’s going to be upset and it’s going to be my fault. Shit.

Awesome. I’m going fucking tomorrow and she chooses today to start being even more negative and bitchy about everything. That’s just fucking awesome. And what’s even more awesome is that I have to stay at her house for like four days, and we’re most likely going to end up getting in a fight because I’m fucking tired of her. Fucking awesome.

So I’m going to Idaho the day after tomorrow. All of the plans have pretty much straightened themselves out. She’s still acting like she doesn’t even fucking want me there. I don’t know what her problem is. I’m sure her attitude will change when I’m actually there. I don’t even know. Ugh whatever.